Tonight is the closest I have come to suicide in over 12 yrs.  My pain is so much that I do not know what to do.  I used to count on one man not to hurt me but he has.  I refused to believe that he could do it, but I still can not blame him.  I believe I hurt him first not knowing too.  

I can't tell him I'm sorry now, because he won't talk to me.  He is in another country and I will not be able to see him anytime soon, if he will let me. I wish to the Goddess that I was never born, because I do not know how to handle all the emotions that are going through me right now.

I started to fall for another man and he won't talk to me either.  I don't know why this time.  I wish I knew what to do right now.  To wait for my first love or to go ahead and try to make things work with the new man I started to fall for.  Or to wait even longer for someone else?  

GGGRRRR!!!  I so hate my life!!

I had a very interesting talk with my ex today.  He claims to know me so well but in fact he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.  I hide a lot of myself from everyone.  

He did bring up a very interesting points though.  I do have a lot to give, that my strong feelings for two men scared them, and that I get my pleasure (pain, sensual, conversations, ect.) from giving all I can to the one I love.

I know that I fall hard and fast for people.  That my emotions are very strong and scare people.  I have known this for a long time.  It's a blessing and a curse of mine.  That I love so intensely that the one my love is focussed gets overwhelmed, scared and then run.

If I care about someone I tend to go out of my way to help them anyway I can.  If a call to talk in the middle of the night to calm them down or to get over a heartache then I'm there.  If a back rub and a quiet night is needed I make sure it happens.  If in bed they like to cause a little pain I don't mind all that much.  If sensual play is needed all the more I can handle.  If staying home while he is serving our country then I can handle that.  If move to be with him then without a doubt I will move.

But as I said its a blessing and a curse to feel so strongly.  I have learned not to take life for granted.  To grab whatever the Goddess offers and hold on for the ride.  With all my medical issues I have learned life is too short to get scared of loving someone.  To spend the time we have here to live not run and hide.  I did enough of that already.  I know that somewhere there is someone for me.  He maybe in Ohio or in Iraq or somewhere else who knows.  

My ex did say that my moving to be with them was a mistake.  I don't completely agree with him.  It was a very big learning experience for me.  I finally learned what mistakes I have made in that relationship and my others.  I hope that I will not make them again, but depends on if I find someone to be with me.  But on one hand it was a mistake because I did hurt a man that I have loved for almost half my life by moving out to CT.  I left him when he needed me the most.  I find out later what happened after I left him and I still feel guilty.  Now I just hope he makes it home again.  

Ah way too much on my mind now, LOL.  I hope all is going well for you all.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, one thing I can not handle is being ignored!!  I can deal with about anything else.  At least I am acknowledged then. 

A little history about me to enlighten about this fact.  My dad(actually my step dad) when ever he was mad at me used to ignore me.  In fact he never really paid  much attention to me. Later I learned that is just the way he grew up and learned to forgive him for that.

Also the "I love you" was rarely said in our family.  I learned that I want a partner to pay attention to me and say "I love you" whenever they feel it.  This is the big reason I have no problem saying "I love you" when I feel it.  I also learned that life is too short and may end at anytime.  These are the reasons why I do not hesitate to say "I love you".  Who knows when our life may end.  I want my loved ones to know without a doubt that I indeed love them.  I may show that "I love you" differently than most but that is my own way of saying it.   

Is it so hard to find someone that will realize this and love me for me.

I hope all is going well for you.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Well after a lot of careful thinking the past few days, I walked into work today and quit.  After not being able to sleep due to pain and crying because of the pain.  I laid there thinking of why am I putting my health at risk working there? 

I can not afford to have so many Lupus flare ups so close together in less than a year.  As it is my life expectancy isn't great.  I fear that I will not see my daughter married. 

Where I worked would be fine but they chose not to make those that wouldn't work do their jobs.  I would end up doing theirs plus mine to get my work done.  That lead to me way over doing it and landed me now three times in the ER in less than sI ix months. 

I will be fine, I always am.  I have learned to deal with this with out much help from doctors.  I actually prefer it that way.  The less drugs I take the longer I have my liver and kidneys. 

Ok, enough for now time to get my pain meds.  I hope all is well with everyone.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, so I have had to sit at home for a few days now instead of working and I have been thinking again.  I am having another Lupus flare up and it always makes me think of who would be with me. 

So far the sad news is no one.  I have tried to hide it when I'm in pain and can usually get away with doing that, but it makes the one I'm with mad.  It gets old saying how much I'm in pain and I know that no one can help me when I am. 

I have many medical issues and its hard enough at times for me to handle let alone anyone that wants to be with me.  I mean who wants to be with someone that is always in pain and gets worse from time to time. 

Shit I alone can be a lot to handle outside of my medical issues.  But I have learned to live life to the fullest because I may not live as long as other people.  I mean who would want to get with someone with an early expiration date?