Ok so in the last few days I have found out a few things!! How much my family hates me!! Up to including my own mother!!! I have always been the black sheep. Well shit the outcast of the outcast in my family!!! Yet the way I was raised was matrilocal. That I was in line after my mother was gone.

I have been raised almost the same way but for one major factor like my mother and her mother! They were never abused like I was!!!!


Which has lead to a major diffrence between me and my family!! And also trying to break the cycle of abuse from mother to their children!!! I am the last to know anything in my family now. When I shouldn't be. Oh well I have never really wanted my so called birthright!!! But it still hurts to be sunded!!!

I have just lost my great aunt to malpractice. And top of all that no one told me of my grandmother!!! Yes, I may not call or keep in contact with my family as often as most people do, but I have learned since they do not want me in the family to keep my distance!!!

Two major things happened within close timing and no one told me. That was beyond what I thought was of my family!!! I knew that any major harm to a family member I would know about ASAP!!! I didn't know for over a month this time!!!!!

Now I am left with the aftermath that everyone else already dealt with. I was told it shouldn't have happened if doctors did their job! Now all I want to do is fly back and harm those that killed my great aunt!!! NO ONE ELSE WILL!!


There is so much going through my mind right now. All the memories that I have of my great aunt. The things she told me about how to make seaweed the traditional way. The fights my mom and I would have over the seaweed that she would send to us for christmas, LOL. Some of our legend's she past down to me.

Maybe this is why my family wouldn't tell me sooner!!! That I would do anything to go up there and harm those that killed her!!!


Is this why my family didn't tell me sooner?

I also know this is the start of the long road to many deaths in my family!! The sad part of being in a large family to begin with!! I knew this day would come but have always dreaded it coming!! My great aunt is the first of my family that has died that I was close to in a way.

I hope you all are doing way better than I am at this point!! May the Goddess watch over and protect you all!!

Tonight is the closest I have come to suicide in over 12 yrs.  My pain is so much that I do not know what to do.  I used to count on one man not to hurt me but he has.  I refused to believe that he could do it, but I still can not blame him.  I believe I hurt him first not knowing too.  

I can't tell him I'm sorry now, because he won't talk to me.  He is in another country and I will not be able to see him anytime soon, if he will let me. I wish to the Goddess that I was never born, because I do not know how to handle all the emotions that are going through me right now.

I started to fall for another man and he won't talk to me either.  I don't know why this time.  I wish I knew what to do right now.  To wait for my first love or to go ahead and try to make things work with the new man I started to fall for.  Or to wait even longer for someone else?  

GGGRRRR!!!  I so hate my life!!

I had a very interesting talk with my ex today.  He claims to know me so well but in fact he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.  I hide a lot of myself from everyone.  

He did bring up a very interesting points though.  I do have a lot to give, that my strong feelings for two men scared them, and that I get my pleasure (pain, sensual, conversations, ect.) from giving all I can to the one I love.

I know that I fall hard and fast for people.  That my emotions are very strong and scare people.  I have known this for a long time.  It's a blessing and a curse of mine.  That I love so intensely that the one my love is focussed gets overwhelmed, scared and then run.

If I care about someone I tend to go out of my way to help them anyway I can.  If a call to talk in the middle of the night to calm them down or to get over a heartache then I'm there.  If a back rub and a quiet night is needed I make sure it happens.  If in bed they like to cause a little pain I don't mind all that much.  If sensual play is needed all the more I can handle.  If staying home while he is serving our country then I can handle that.  If move to be with him then without a doubt I will move.

But as I said its a blessing and a curse to feel so strongly.  I have learned not to take life for granted.  To grab whatever the Goddess offers and hold on for the ride.  With all my medical issues I have learned life is too short to get scared of loving someone.  To spend the time we have here to live not run and hide.  I did enough of that already.  I know that somewhere there is someone for me.  He maybe in Ohio or in Iraq or somewhere else who knows.  

My ex did say that my moving to be with them was a mistake.  I don't completely agree with him.  It was a very big learning experience for me.  I finally learned what mistakes I have made in that relationship and my others.  I hope that I will not make them again, but depends on if I find someone to be with me.  But on one hand it was a mistake because I did hurt a man that I have loved for almost half my life by moving out to CT.  I left him when he needed me the most.  I find out later what happened after I left him and I still feel guilty.  Now I just hope he makes it home again.  

Ah way too much on my mind now, LOL.  I hope all is going well for you all.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, one thing I can not handle is being ignored!!  I can deal with about anything else.  At least I am acknowledged then. 

A little history about me to enlighten about this fact.  My dad(actually my step dad) when ever he was mad at me used to ignore me.  In fact he never really paid  much attention to me. Later I learned that is just the way he grew up and learned to forgive him for that.

Also the "I love you" was rarely said in our family.  I learned that I want a partner to pay attention to me and say "I love you" whenever they feel it.  This is the big reason I have no problem saying "I love you" when I feel it.  I also learned that life is too short and may end at anytime.  These are the reasons why I do not hesitate to say "I love you".  Who knows when our life may end.  I want my loved ones to know without a doubt that I indeed love them.  I may show that "I love you" differently than most but that is my own way of saying it.   

Is it so hard to find someone that will realize this and love me for me.

I hope all is going well for you.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Well after a lot of careful thinking the past few days, I walked into work today and quit.  After not being able to sleep due to pain and crying because of the pain.  I laid there thinking of why am I putting my health at risk working there? 

I can not afford to have so many Lupus flare ups so close together in less than a year.  As it is my life expectancy isn't great.  I fear that I will not see my daughter married. 

Where I worked would be fine but they chose not to make those that wouldn't work do their jobs.  I would end up doing theirs plus mine to get my work done.  That lead to me way over doing it and landed me now three times in the ER in less than sI ix months. 

I will be fine, I always am.  I have learned to deal with this with out much help from doctors.  I actually prefer it that way.  The less drugs I take the longer I have my liver and kidneys. 

Ok, enough for now time to get my pain meds.  I hope all is well with everyone.  May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.