Ok, so I have had to sit at home for a few days now instead of working and I have been thinking again.  I am having another Lupus flare up and it always makes me think of who would be with me. 

So far the sad news is no one.  I have tried to hide it when I'm in pain and can usually get away with doing that, but it makes the one I'm with mad.  It gets old saying how much I'm in pain and I know that no one can help me when I am. 

I have many medical issues and its hard enough at times for me to handle let alone anyone that wants to be with me.  I mean who wants to be with someone that is always in pain and gets worse from time to time. 

Shit I alone can be a lot to handle outside of my medical issues.  But I have learned to live life to the fullest because I may not live as long as other people.  I mean who would want to get with someone with an early expiration date? 

It's funny when you go into an ER and say you have chest pains, but not to worry its not my heart how they still freak out. I told them my medical history with Lupus and that the lining of my lungs are inflamed, that is the reason for my chest hurting.

It also is amazing how doctors think you are a silly unknowing female, when they don't believe you. I know just as much if not more about my illness and I don't most of the time need xrays, blood work, EKG'S or anything else to tell me whats going on. I am very in tuned to my body and usually can tell you what pain is from what illness.

I hate it when you prove to the doctor you knew from the get go what was wrong and proved them wrong. Because then they talk down to you still trying to desperately hold on to their God status they cling to. All I ask is to listen to me and not to talk down to me. I very much know what is wrong with me and only need something for pain and to have it documented.

I have learned to hate the smell and sounds of a hospital for these reasons. Besides all the damn pokes from needles. My arms look like I was a drug addict from all the blood drawn to see whats wrong with me.

Now its time to rest and recover from going to the ER, lol. I hope everyone is well and may the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Ok, so today was a very bad day at work. I almost actually walked out right when I ended up doing a few peoples jobs at once. Ironic that the most disabled person there is doing way more than her job. That other people get away with doing almost nothing all day and get paid for it. But if I don't do my job and theirs I get my ass chewed for it. Granted working in a dining hall what they don't get done affects me and I still have to do it to get what I am supposed to do done.

I am still thinking of putting in my two week notice and just moving now. I will get enough back from my taxed to move and have enough to live off of for a few months and not worry.

The other thing that has been bugging me lately as well is my health. I am scared for once to go see a doctor. I really need to go but scared to find out what is going on this time. I know that I am starting another Lupus flare up and thats not what I am worried about the most. If you fall and almost two months later still have faint bruising, get bruises without knowing where they come from, bleed from a slightest scratch and don't heal very fast at all from these slightest scratches, then there is a big problem. My hope is that it is just low iron or something simple as that. But with my luck regarding my health it isn't. With a history of cancer on my sperm donor's side of the family and the fact that I have a mole that has grown over this last year I'm very scared. Since finding out that I have Lupus I knew that I wouldn't be around to see my grandkids. I hope that I am wrong about that, but my luck in my life I always get screwed over. It makes me wonder what the hell I did in a past life to get suck bad luck.

I have done a lot of thinking about what will make me happy from a serious relationship. I realized that the poly life isn't for me. After trying it and things not ending very well. Granted better than my two divorces, but still a lot was said that hurt me very badly. Yes, I am Bisexual, but that is not a need sexually that defines whether or not I am fully satisfied. I do enjoy being with another woman, but its been more problematic than anything else. I have a very strong distrust of women, and not without due reasons. I finally realized that I only need one man in my life to make me satisfied and happy.

I have done a lot of thinking and going over all my past relationships up to and including the last one I was in. I have seen where I messed up while I was with my last relationship. I actually started to work and change myself for the better from this realization. It actually made things worse in the end. The stronger I got, more confident, and less tolerant of any bad attitudes it made things worse. I started to realize that the more I tried to make things work and stick to what I finally been trying to do all my life(learn from my mistakes) it caused more problems. The hell I went through towards the end of this last relationship was enough to put a bad taste in my mouth for being with more than one person.

I also been thinking about someone a lot and not sure if they feel the same way about me as I do for them. Been very frightening to have someone get through my walls so easily. I just tired of the yo-yo games that I have been put through with other ex's. I want someone to say that they love me, mean it and show it. I only want and need is respect, honesty and love. Is that really so much to ask for from someone?

LMAO, no wonder people at work knew something was off with me. Too much thinking, LOL. It was very sweet of them to be worried about me, since they saw that I was going through a hard time. They all said are you alright, because you are very quiet today. LOL, shit I know I can be like a book to read to people but damn!! To be pegged so well by them was heart warming and a little frightening. I don't let people in very easily into my life. I don't trust many people from past hurts. I have tried very hard not to let that affect anyone I first meet. My philosophy is to give people I first meet a certain amount of trust and it is up to them if that trust level goes up or down.

Damn it is good to blog again!! I haven't for a few months due to the fear that what I would write be used against me. Like I'm it still very well may but they aren't here to hear the bitching about it. I have used my online blogs as my journal. I have always have tried to keep a written one but could never keep it up, LOL.

Ok, I think that is about it for now. I hope everyone is doing well. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Well it's been crazy around here. Been helping my ex's pack and move in my new room mates into the house and working 40+ hours a week. Been over doing it badly and paying for it now.

But the good news is that I have lost enought weight to fit into a dress that I have had for over 10 yrs now and havent been able to fit into it for 9 yrs. LMAO, the only problem is that I am more top heavy now than I was when I bought it. The tummy area fits just like its supposed to, WOO HOO!! I am so happy that I want to wear it out and show off how little I am now, LOL. Just no where to wear it to, GGRRR.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.

Well I went into the same place I had my nose done and asked how much for them to draw the heart I want and tattoo it on me. It turned out to way cheaper than I thought and went for it right then, LOL. I have a heart with 4 slashes going through it with blood dripping off of it right over my heart. It was more painful than my other one but not as painful as I thought it would be for where its at. I didn't bleed much again which is a good thing and looks really cool already. I can't wait a couple more days for it to heal. LOL, the other one was healed in 4 days.

So far things have been going ok. Last week was hard but I survived and didn't kill anyone. It's amazing what you can do when you are forced to. I hate to pretend to be nice to someone one when all I want to do is hurt them and make sure I am never around them again.

I think what made me the most mad was that no one told me that this person was coming up. Not even when she walked through the door. If it wasn't for me over hearing their phone conversations, I would have never have known she was on her way up here. It is hard living with your ex's but by the end of the month they will be gone. I think I can last till then.

Anyways, I have to go shovel snow. I hope everyone is doing well. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.